Planet of solitude

[Twinklelight]

Saying you loved me, with that look in your eye,
I wish I could say it was a cold hearted lie,
I know that you love me, I know that you care, 
But the rage inside you, slowly flared.
I admit I've made mistakes, overstepping the boundaries, 
Which made me look fake.
I always said I would never do the things I did, 
And I know that's why it's so hard for you to forgive.
So many times we've said that we'd try, 
Just to turn around and make each other cry.
Remember how it was when we first started out?
We fell so hard, maybe fell in love too soon, 
At one point you'd notice ONLY me in the room.
We both did things we can't undo, 
Now it seems our relationship is headed for doom,
And not that long ago, I was EVERYTHING to you,
Now you're looking for other things to "do."
I admit my mistakes, but can you admit yours?
I have paid for what I have done, as you've paid for yours.
So why is it like this? Why can't we even talk?
You call me names and act like you don't care, 
All a while, our love for each other is still there.
I never meant to hurt you or cause you any pain,
I know neither of us want to go through this same old stuff again.
I owe you so much, and I have so much to prove to you
But you continue to do things you wouldn't want me to do
We always have these tears to cry,
And are left with all these wondering questions of why?
Why can't we get past the past? You think I expect too much too fast, 
But don't you want to become whole at last?
Why won't you at least try to believe me, instead of pushing me further away?
I have these emotions, I wish you could see, 
Sometimes I get really upset, 'cause I feel you don't understand me
Will you ever love me like you USED to? Show me the love that I ONCE knew?
The love that we both grew,
When will you see? I'm starting to feel like I hardly know you anymore? 
When can we go back to how it was before?
Will we still hurt if we heal? Or by that time, will we still feel?
My dreams of US does not look like it's coming true, 
All I feel is sad and blue,
And I know you're looking for other things to "do",
You're sick of me, and want something new.

[Zoe7]

You have certainly layed your heart down in that post @Twinklelight - so many emotions and so much heartache... 

[Twinklelight]

I just so emotional right now @Zoe7
I don't know what to do

[Zoe7]

Do you have a list of self-care activities you can look at or a coping box @Twinklelight - if not I can help you get them together if you would like. 

[outlander]

hi @Twinklelight just catching up on your posts.
it sounds like such a rough day for you. here for you too and listening.
also @Zoe7 is very handy with helping making a coping box if thats something your up for

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hugs @Twinklelight .... I’ve been at those crossroads - should I stay or should I go .... ?  The decision is never easy.

❤️

[Twinklelight]

No I don't @Zoe7
Thanks @outlander
Have you through the same thing @Faith-and-Hope

[Twinklelight]

I always have these tears to cry, 
and I'm left with all these wondering questions of why?
Why can't we seem to get over the past, 
and come together and be a whole at last?
Why won't you at least try to believe what I say, 
instead of just pushing me away?
Why do I keep putting myself out there, 
and you don't even seem to care?
I have these emotions I wish you would see,
so I wouldn't be left with the questions of,
"Will he or won't he?"
Will he ever love me like he used to, 
and give me the things I once knew?
Won't he see, 
I feel I don't know him anymore, 
and let himself go back to how he was before?
Will I still hurt when I heal, 
or will he finally let me feel?

[Twinklelight]

I'm feeling so much hurt and sadness. 

I wish things were much smoother 

I wish things were much easier 

It just break's my heart

I just don't know what to do

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Twinklelight my husband is unwell but doesn’t know he is .... 

It seemed like a mid-life crisis at first, but the picture is becoming clearer in bits and pieces along the way.

We sold a business that we had worked in for 25 years.  My hubby had been working 100hr weeks, and I now know that this is a recognised OCD pattern of behaviour.  When we sold the (main) business he turned his attention to losing weight, because his family are weight-obessessed, and he had been in BED (B**ge Eating Disorder - the site won’t let me use that word) throughout his working life and was way overweight.  I can’t tell you how much he lost across the next year or two, but it was a lot.  He had lost that much before and re-gained it .... this time was different ..... he became really aggressive about it, and emotionally aggressive with us.  This got further and further out of hand as his formed ED spiralled into several other forms that come under the umbrella of EDNOS (Eating Disorders Not Otherwise Specified) .... he is exercising obsessively and compulsively (known as Anorexia Athletica), he is so food-focussed and obsessive-compulsive that it’s called Orthorexia, he seems to have Body Dysmorphia because he can’t see how thin he is (other people are commenting and staring) and he has a massive Chew-Spit habit going on in secret.

The worst of it all was personality and values changes, and he became emotionally abusive without being able to recognise that he was.  His mother was so much like that, behind his back, when we were first married, and his brother’s not much better, that that was the first time I was seriously thinking about leaving.  The thought has been with me for the last few years, but sometimes the safest thing to do is stay where you are and try to “hold the fort”.

It seems there is a personality disorder driving the eating disorder, but none of this has been diagnosed, because it’s still invisible to the health professionals.  He is masking the identifying features of an eating disorder, but that can’t go on indefinitely.

Although all my kids are grown now, the youngest two have been affected by all the strife, so they are under mh professionals, and we are trying to get them recovered.

That’s my story ..... my hubby has become someone else, who lives to eat the same food every day, spit out “forbidden” foods, and run and work out.