I am struggling at the moment

[Teej]

Sorry @CheerBear my words and thoughts and emotions are a bit minced up. 

Truth serum time. Tonight one of my sons rang pushing me to see him tomorrow. I don’t feel like I deserve his love and I know that if I go he’ll be the most affected. I wanted to yell at him not to love me because I’m going to hurt him one day. I am so scared for him and just about everything. I ran away and made an excuse not to see him. Everything feels so messed up 😓😥🤯😩

[CheerBear]

I'm OK here Teej but will go and watch something. Rarely far away if company would help though.

Before I go - my messed up and kind of hidden secret that I want to share after your share tonight is that I watch messed up stuff often, possibly as a twisted kind of escape. A recent one was autopsy and morgue documentaries. I found a funeral series I am getting in to too. I haven't told anyone about that as I worry they'll judge or get weirded out about it or make something of it that wouldn't be helpful.

Thank you for chatting too and for being brave tonight, even if you can't see it. I can 😘

[CheerBear]

Minced is OK @Teej. I speak banana and monce sounds pretty close to that (maybe!).

That mum guilt is a big, big ouch. On top of all the other ouches, I imagine that one extra hurts tonight. I want to remind you how much you matter to him but I also want to do bad things to people who say that to me when I am fantasising about an out, so I won't.

Right now there's is messy and there is chaos and that sucks so so much. It is a right now thing and right now can't be forever though.

[Sans911]

I'm here for you @Teej. You deserve love, understanding and compassion as much as anyone.

If you're going to go out (or at least if you are tempted) would it hurt to give your son one more chance to see you? Not trying to guilt you btw

I'm sorry this c-link business has hit you so hard. Hugs and hugs

I've got a dsp medical review with a psychologist tommorow & I'm really not looking forward to it. I'm sure he'll say I don't need it.

[Teej]

@Sans911, @CheerBear will respond in a bit. Am crying and need a moment. 

[CheerBear]

Take as much time as you need @Teej. I'm not going anywhere (except maybe to sleep if meds work 🤞) and @Sans911 is here with her awesome listening eyes too.

Hope crying helps. That can be pretty a pretty helpful out itself ❤

[Teej]

Have taken meds to sleep too @CheerBear, @Sans911. 

Crying has reduced some of the anger (danger). 

@Sans911 There has been so much I’ve wanted to write to you lately but keep getting myself tied up in knots. I know there is so much happening in your world that is hard and tricky. 

My brain is sufficiently fried and I hope I sleep soon. Thank you both from the bottom of my 💜 (which after my actions with my son tonight is a bit shallow at the moment 😢🤯). 

[Sans911]

I'm crying with and for you @Teej

[Sans911]

I'm very good at untying knots @Teej.

Goodnight my friend. I wish you could find some peace, kindness and love for yourself in that bruised heart of yours.

[CheerBear]

@Teej I hope sleep helped you last night and the storm you were in has passed, even a little. 🌈 and 💗 for you in bucket loads.

@Sans911 I shuddered when I read DSP medical review. Have everything crossed it goes OK for you and will look out for a post later if you share. That one is so often a really tough one ❤