I am struggling at the moment

[Teej]

Oh no with the kidatastophe @CheerBear. 

What if your psychiatrist and your counsellor had different positions on things? They both might be right or they both might be wrong or one right etc. 

at my essence i know pushing me to get to get out of my comfort zone is good now but pushing me the way my psych wants to feels really wrong and I’m not sure how to deal with it. I can’t do the deep end diving she wants me to. My solutions to how strongly I feel about this are pretty full on. 

Im angry because it feels like she doesn’t get it .....but then maybe she does and this is all in my best interest. I’m so messed up about it all. How messed up is messed up. As I type this I am organising something to do with my friend for my birthday in ???days but in my head I keep thinking that I might not make those plans because the idea to me that coming into the world and leaving the world on the same day is appealing, one day less of anniversaries for everyone. I’m flipping so much with it all.  

[outlander]

Hugs @Teej 💜

Thinking of you @Shaz51 ❤

[CheerBear]

Is there one you trust more than the other @Teej? If you tune out to their opinions, do you have a feeling about what's right for you (it sounds like you do but are struggling to trust that maybe?). There is a very fine line between gently encouraging someone to stretch outside of their comfort zone, and pushing them too far (over the edge even) sometimes I think. 

I get how in some ways that last part might seem messed up. I also see the idea behind it or the escape fantasy, that it could be too. I think it's pretty understandable that you're thinking of an out when you're feeling lost, scared and stuck (understatements there probably).

[Teej]

I know my therapist knows me better @CheerBear but I know I’m not moving forward too. I finally gave permission for my psych to contact my therapist today because I’m not dealing with the difference at all well. I trust my therapist 100% to know she’s got my back but is that enough. I’m sounding like a contrite spoiled brat. 

Out seems sooo good now. I know it’s part in fantasy but only because I can’t wreck my sons oseas trip......but there’s always a but. What if I try and happen to succeed then it’s accidental because I didn’t mean to finish it.  What if I try and don’t succeed? 

[Teej]

One of the hardest most cursed things I know is that if I try and succeed it will be deemed death by misadventure. I am in the high risk category for this. It somehow also lessens my responsibility for suicide. In my at risk moments this comes into my justifications always. It possibly not been a helpful thing for me to know. @CheerBear. So sorry for the deep and heavy. 

I think my fear of the deep end is being taken over but my want to escape and get out. But that brings shame on its own of how gutless I am. 

[CheerBear]

You're not sounding like a brat @Teej. You're sounding like you're really stuck. You're also sounding like you're really thinking this through and trying hard to keep going even when it feels really scary. Its huge to have given that permission today.

I get the out feels so good and so tempting sometimes. It really does. I haven't had those intense fights for a while but I do escape to fantasy land sometimes still. What if you don't try? I'm not sure if you meant it in this way tonight but there often seems to be a 'but' and a reason, whatever it is, that tells you that is there something to hold on for.

[CheerBear]

You don't have to be sorry for the deep and heavy @Teej. I am happy to sit with you in it.

I know it feels like it at the moment, but gutless is not sitting here being vulnerable. It isn't going to hard therapy sessions. It isn't pushing through and getting by like you always do. That is not gutless. That is brave.

[Teej]

It doesn’t feel very brave @CheerBear 😢. 

[CheerBear]

I know @Teej. It never does when you're sitting where you are right now 😔

I see you hit these really dark places where out seems so tempting and I see you come back from that. It's so hard to appreciate how much strength that takes when you're here as you are in this moment. These moments aren't forever ones though. I know you know this too.

[Teej]

I’ll let you go and wind down @CheerBear. Thank you for chatting with me.