not feeling good

[BlueBay]

I’m in the doctors carpark sobbing. All I can see at the moment is how my brother sexually abused me. I csnt get it out of my head. My doctor wants me to stsy busy sll week. I don’t know if I csn. 

Im crying. I hate him I hate him do much. I wish I could sh to feel the psin. I really want to sh right now. 

@Zoe7@Faith-and-Hope I don’t know what to do. 

Sorry to tag you both. I didn’t know who to tag. 

[Former-Member]

[Former-Member]

Hey @BlueBay,

Sorry you are having a hard time with SH feelings. You are stronger than you think though and that's proven by the very fact you are reaching out in here. Maybe hanging out in some other threads to stay disctracted might help. Otherwise why not call one of the numbers below and talk through the feeling:

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling

Samaritans: 135 247

[BlueBay]

@Former-Member I’m trying but I can’t. . My brother makes me sick. I feel like getting a sharp item and putting it through the carpet on the floor. I want to feel it. 

Im waiting fir my daughter to come with Ayla. She will distract me. For now all I want to do is cry. I csnt even control my emotions. So much snger towards him at the moment. 

Its nit fair he gets to enjoy his life while I’m suffering and going through all this crap. I hate it. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hearing you @BlueBay.

Can you ask your Dr about attending art therapy sessions ?  It can help to get all that anger out, expressing it in a different way through colours and shapes on the page, guided by someone who understands what you are going through.

[BlueBay]

Hi @Faith-and-Hope

when I was in hospital I did try art therapy and I had to walk out in tears. I felt useless snd couldn’t do anything. I could look into sgsin msybe. But it’s scary because of how I feel. 

[Bunniekins]

@saturnzoon I will be thinking of you. I really hope the visit to the dentist goes well for you with as little pain as possible. Love greenpea xxx

[Faith-and-Hope]

Anything that helps you to unpack those feelings will be scary @BlueBay, but think about it maybe ?  And maybe take it in baby steps, even if there is a lot of walking out involved in the process ?  Whichever way you can manage it is right for you.

❤️ @saturnzoon.....

👋💕 @Bunniekins

[BlueBay]

How do I get the vision away out of my mind @Faith-and-Hope

@I hate him so much. I have to release this snger otherwise I will sh. And if I do it will be because of my anger. 

I can’t forgive or forget. How can I let this go. How do I find a positive out of this. Like my doctor says I need to find a positive. Does he realise how traumatic it’s been and still is. 

I need to go. I’m sorry I’m ranting and crying. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

@BlueBay .... this is a painting by an artist called Jackson Pollock.

While he could paint in a realistic style .... houses, trees, people, animals, flowers ..... and he did in his earlier years ..... he chose this style as his personal expression.  He developed it across a few years, gradually reducing things that he had drawn down to basic shapes, then eventually just dribbling those shapes in paint onto the canvas .... and repeating the dribbles to represent motion and emotion.

I am showing you this to help you think about art as different from just drawing things the way they look.  Art can be many things ..... and if I were to ask you to draw what "angry" looks like, do you think you could make a painting like this one, with colours that represent anger ?   Would those colours be red, black, white, yellow .... ?  What would angry shapes look like ?   Would they be lines, or paint dribbles, or splashes, or spikey shapes ..... ?

In the privacy of your own home, you can experiment with these things.  You can take paper and paint it up with different colours and shapes.  You can tear pieces of different colours out of old magazines, and glue the torn pieces onto your paper in any way you feel like at the time.  You can draw other colours on top of the glued pieces of paper, and make artwork that says you are very, very angry.

It might not feel like it is achieving very much, but it is a different form of venting .... it is something that all that anger can channel itself into, and out of you ..... in a way that doesn't harm anybody.   It is a creative outlet, personal, and just for you .... and if later you want to be rid of the artwork, you can do what you want with it .... throw it out, tear it up, fold it into a boat shape and let it sail away on a river somewhere until it sinks and becomes part of the mud on the bottom .... it's something you can take ownership of, and control what happens to it any way you want to.

I hope this helps.  Maybe you don't want to make this sort of art .... and that's okay .... it's your choice whether you want to or not .... but perhaps even hearing me talk about it here, and imagining what you could do, will be enough to help ease your feelings just a little bit ... to have them acknowledged and respected.

Hugs and hugs Hon ..... always thinking of you.

💜💙💕