Depression Dementia Dad

[Faith-and-Hope]

💜🌻💕 @Former-Member ..... lean on your faith ..... the public guardian is seeking help over something, and you won’t know what that is until you speak with them ....  but you don’t have to be anything other than frostily polite to them.  My sin’s pdoc couldn’t tell the wood from the trees in our situation at first ..... and he was offhand and rude .... he seemed to have a different understanding later, but sometimes that’s as much of an apology as you’re going to get ...... probably the same in your situation ..... if they have a changed attitude or manner towards you, that’s probably all the apology you’re going to get too .....

Hugs n hugs @Former-Member.  Don’t worry about @Owlunar ..... she is not ignoring you ... (she spoke to you in a post on another thread yesterday) ..... she has just been swamped with her own stuff for a few days.

Ypu were an amazing support and carer for your Dad .... we can all see that ..... and mane the public guardian can see it now too ... maybe .....

I copied this from elsewhere on the forum ..... and I sent it to my cousin yesterday too ....

❤️

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope, made me cry with relief to be heard (so emotional). It means a lot 💕. Can’t see your pic yet, will check back later, and your threat to see what your up to. Got a wow of a headache atm

[Faith-and-Hope]

I’m not surprised re headache @Former-Member ..... you are under a helluva strain ..... you take care of you y’hear ..... ❣️

[Owlunar]

Hi @Former-Member

You are my special sister and I haven't been ignoring you - I have been totally swamped with my own problems - bit and small - and I haven't been talking to anyone - I have been really tired and not at all up to chatting - I tend to keep to myself physically as well as on-line when I feel swamped

But I understand - I do - so please don't worry about it - I know you are really lonely and have a lot to deal with atm too

I don't think you are "nuts" or a "criminal" - you have been doing a great job caring for your Dad in a house that gives you tough feelings from the past and your sibs are toxic - possibly because you were a nurse - more like it's your nature - you are a really caring person and being surrounded by your crappy family and now professional staff who don't have a personal stake in you issues - you are in a tough position

One part of my past I haven't mentioned is that the professional people regarding having my son in foster care was a nightmare - they have their own agenda and these would change from day to day - person to person - and it was some kind of nightmare. Sometimes they wanted me to bring my son home - other times - no way could he come home - and I couldn't have him at home - it was out of the question - and yes - there were times when I doubted myself - it took me everything I had to maintain my boundaries at the time - 

Looking back - I did the right thing - people can rattle off at the mouth without thinking anymore about the whole thing that the first paragraph of their report or maybe agreeing with someone to who they owe a favour - tough stuff Lapses - dealing with the system is dealing with people who really have no idea - this sort of thing is something people normally have to live through to know what it's like - really.

I hear that you feel you are going downhill fast - living alone is tough - you lived alone at your old house but then you had a few months doing a lot for your Dad - I understand

I have had so much stuff the last few weeks - swamped - but the hard part is making decisions alone - I find thinking gets circular - and I have made a lot of decisions alone - it's just that when there are too many it gets like being in the spin-drying - sure I have been in this cycle before stuff - I hear you

One thing about us here - I think I can speak for others - there are times when we are in the spin-dryer - we seem not to care - but I am sure we do - I know I do - 

I think I know - we have had similar life-circumstances - we can feel as if there is nothing we can be sure of - and actually - that's true - life can throw curly changes at us

I think I have other threads to catch up with you on - I have been out of the circle for a while - I will catch up when I find you

Dec

[Former-Member]

Oh @Owlunar, cought up as a mum in the foster care system would have been horrible, they always assume it’s the parents fault, like so many do with me being refused to bring dad home from Respite :(.

I’m sure you do ‘get it’ now, 100 times. And thank you for being open and trusting ya with that info. I know how so many professional ‘dogooder’s can get it so wrong. It’s frightening the power they have. This whole thing reminds me of Family Court too, just realised how scared I am trusting even a hairdresser this week. It’s really hurts us.

Life is short, mine will be. I can’t deal with another day of burocratic nonsense. I know I should talk with them, Public guardian’ but it would help if their incoming call wasn’t a private caller. I have been emailing. But I also know how pointless it will be - I refuse to be used by them too. I can’t do this another day, and I can’t figure out where to go from here, or how.

You did all you could with your son Dec, We both were wronged by ‘the law of the land’ and our children paid the highest price.

I don’t know why God chooses to give some of us such hard lessons 😢

I Like what you said:

“ people rattle off at the mouth without thinking past more than the first paragraph” 
And

“the reports can be based on lies”
And

“tough stuff! Dealing with ‘the system’ is dealing with people who really have no idea - this sort of thing is something people normally have to live through to know what it's like - really”

THANKS FOR THAT - it helps to know you get it, and get the daily hurdles of loneliness & grief...

Making decision ‘alone’ is hard, and yes, thought patterns can become “circular” LOOPING

even a little  LOOPY I guess lol 

Na, you ‘get’ it

Sorry I’m so needy, I know you know how it is when it all piles up. I don’t wanna hurt anyone.  And thank you for coming out of your cave for me 💕 I understand how hard that can be 🙏🏽

You be gentle on you Dec 🌸
“We’re all just walking each other home”
1,000 hugz 💜🌸💜🌸💜🌸💜

[Owlunar]

Hi again @Former-Member

Aw - sometimes I wonder - I really like to make my own decisions and I can finish my own sentences but people can hardly wait to tell me what I "should" be doing - I really do know - but sometimes I get flooded and I feel as if I am hanging onto the boards with my finger and toe nails and want to yell "I am in charge of my affairs" and I wonder if  you feel as if the world intrudes on you as I feel at times

It's as if I am too old to know my own mind - whatever else you have or not I am sure you have your own thoughts, desires, dreams, wishes, hopes and ideas and the voices are over-the-top - gotcha sis - never worry - I do hear you

Actually I am sure you could make your decisions more easily without all the other people starting with your sibs and moving to the outside of the irritating circle to the public offenders - we can do without them - 

Like - I really felt the need for a psychologist but I don't need the hassle - I only think I need someone - I really don't - and you have all these things I never had to deal with - but with the foster-care system - yes - I was there - a long time ago when it was worse I am sure

About your life - I started to get really worried about my uncle just before last Christmas - I got a Christmas flyer in a card telling me that things weren't good - and I organised myself into going to Hobart and I had to let my knee recover from the surgery - and I think it's okay now but never going to be perfect - but my point

I have been thinking about going to the U3A all year but apart from looking for it on the Internet I haven't done anything - the year has passed with one thing or another - family issues, health issues and other people telling me that everything is too expensive - for them mainly - 

Personally and maybe you are the same - I get tired with other people telling me what to do with my life, my services, my money, my time and just about everything when for the best part I have already thought it through already

So - after all this rambling - I think I understand that you have had it up to "here" with all of these sort of things and other stuff - I get it - I hear - and it is really tough for you

Dec 

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Owlunar,
I’ve done U3A, but discovered they won’t give much info or contact details till you pay the annual fee(ours was $50) but then we get a booklet with all the courses on offer and tutor contact details to ring and book in. January is their registration so find out your area and go sign up. I think you’d love creative writing or the choir or book club... Love to hear what you decide. My classes were only $4 a week. I liked taiChi & writing. But there I go, being one of those people telling you what to do lol. It’s your call of cause.

I visited dad tonight. Surprised me his phone rang, one of the nurses finally helped him dial the number. It’s nice he missed me and actually asked me to come, by name (not mums) and I did, even with my headache. We Played checkers & he did really well. I sorted out a tv problem 4him & took the dog for a good cuddle. She remembers dad, it’s sweet.

Hows your cat? Almost scared to ask cause I know he/she is old.

Hang on, just read other thread the cat scratched you badly & you’re considering putting down 😞 that’s hard. Sometimes I wish they’d put me down lol but for you - I recommend a quiet lapdog.after the cat. But you’ll know, maybe a canary 🙂

Nice seeing you dec xox

[Owlunar]

Hi @Former-Member

Going to the U3A sounds an interesting idea - and there is one not far away from here and I would like that - I have even thought of volunteering to teach if I like the classes - I have an Honours Degree in English Literature and have been an English tutor in my past.

It takes me a while to get my spine unfrozen in the morning and then I have domestic people coming her which is good but can be intrusive - it does take up my time though - and the thing is I don't feel all that isolated - it's just a case of getting around to it and I think it would be great.

Next January - great - I should write that in my diary

About the people telling me what to do - I am not interested in My Aged Care - it seems that it's very much a case of one-size-fits-all and I am not the kind of person who fits in very well - the man who came and interviewed me wrote a report which had this written there - I am supposed to be socially isolated and I don't feel that way and feel really irritated with that comment. I have lived alone for such a long time now I am used to my own ways and myself and feel okay with it but yes - it would be good to have some intellectual conversation and research to do - the problems with the council workers coming here use up so much of my time - it really irritates me at times and then I get people like the woman who kept interupting me

I feel okay this morning Lapses but still feel a little overwhelmed with different health and other issues in my family etc - I feel as if a lot of time passed when I was feeling really distressed and now I seem to have sorted a lot of that out I am behind with other tasks and I was really tired this morning and went back to sleep. But hey - I never mind that.

I'm really glad your Dad rang you and called you by name and you had some good time with him - maybe he is settling down to life where he is - it may not be what he wants but if he can't manage alone then that takes the decision out of his hands - what you said somewhere else that all your sibs not being able to make it in some ways - that is a tough situation - and they undermine your efforts - I know that - but still - caring for someone with dementia must be a nightmare of a task and you need to put yourself and what you need first - and I get it - it's really hard

My cat has always been hard to handle - things like giving her pills has always been impossible for me and putting those drops on her neck - I have given that up - I always end up hurting myself somewhere - she is a tough little cat - she used to fight a lot when she was younger - going outside and picking fights with cats bigger than her - and now I am getting older and this last scratch is the second last bad scratch - it broke the skin and has been infected though it's clearing up - she's got one more chance and it's another tough call - and if she scratches me again she will most likely go but I will make an appointment and go and talk to the vet myself - it's not an easy decision at all

I'm not getting any more pets - I have put off going overseas because of this cat though when my family has recovered I am planning a couple of weeks in New Zealand - My son-in-law has relatives there - I know them - I have seen them when they have been in Melbourne and it would be good to see if the cat is okay boarded at the vet - they do this for animals they know well - I have to talk to them about that - I can't put off travelling overseas much longer - I get a passport more cheaply btw - cause I am just about over the hill - 

Like you I have to make decisions and I know it's hard when there is no one handy to chat about those things but I have a good idea myself about what I want to do and what's sensible

I wish you the best with your Dad - it seems you are the only one of his kids who really cares and God knows that - I know that - I get it that your sibs give you are hard time but deep down you know that too

Sending hugs for Wednesday

Dec

[Former-Member]

My dad’s walking is like this now, much worse

Visited dad today, he actually said “yes” today - when I asked if he likes it here.  He’s become institutionalised, thanks to Public Guardian dragging the chain so long (resent them big time).  Rang the new appointed officer for dad. Of cause, she accused me of

(1) not emailing my Accommodation Proposal Monday (I have gmail proof I did). Even suggested I might have them stuck in my ‘outbox’ (but gmail doesn’t have outbox)

(2) boasted about meeting with dad and his facility clinical manager and decided dad’s dementia is “quite advanced”  (as if I hadn’t noticed) Reminded her dad was only formally diagnosed with Mod Vascylar Dementia, by the gerontologist last December, after I flagged him as being medically unfit to drive. I resent being treated like I don’t know anything. 

(3) reminded me how complicated it is to follow/up on services and systems we have in place before and after if dad comes back home. (poor dears have to work for their pay), but I had to submit a proposal so they know what they’ve taken away from dad. It’s the only way they’ll look at it, and they need to know the facts, not just the lies they were manipulated by.

(4) she didn’t care that i’d Talked to dad’s doctor today and he said he’ll back me up - that I did “a fantastic job with dad”

Gosh  it was good to hear dad’s dr affirm my efforts, the senior medical officer he is. Dr believes I can care for dad at home & agreed what’s being imposed on us is wrong.  With the Public Guardian / Trustee takeover - I asked the dr if he’s ever known this to happen to anyone before - he said “never!” 

Sat in the sunshine with dad today which was so relaxing. He’s having trouble conversing more and more. Lucky my experience nursing gives me natural responses to help, but also, this is my dad disappearing before my eyes and... op, here comes the tears... I miss him :(. Oh dear, gotta go

@Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Owlunar @outlander  

[Former-Member]

Thanks for ‘support tick’ @Former-Member
You doin’ ok?